Burnout

My wife sent me a snippet from a blog that she reads regularly. The post dealt with a recent article in a well known magazine about burnout. The gist of the article proposed that burnout doesn’t necessarily come from “over work,” but from unrealistic expectations and a reduced sense of effectiveness.

This was a “wow” moment for me. I have told people for years that if they kept their crazy hours they would eventually burn out. I believe this is true; however, this theory on “unrealistic expectations” struck a chord with me. I immediately reflected on my own “burn out” experience.

In 1995, I spent sixteen months working on a project for a company. I worked no less than eighty hours a week, much of the weekend, and even some holidays. One morning, I was found asleep on my office floor. Determined to make this project a success at all cost, I believed that I could beat the odds and show the company what I could do.

I was stupid, young, immature and incredibly naive. As I was driving home each night, I would get overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations of the project. I had no fingernails left to bite and I was actually frightened. I couldn’t deal with failure. As the deadline grew near, I became more delusional. Even though I knew the truth, I could not admit it.

Prior to implementation, we celebrated the completion of the project with a meal, show, and cocktails on a dinner boat with our spouses and the corporate executives. I was too far gone to realize that the celebration was fraudulent. I was ready to receive my envelope with the bonus and celebrate with my teammates. It had been a long haul and the bonds were strong between us.

As my wife and I headed to the car to go home that night, I held the envelope and a marble paperweight with the project name engraved on it. We got into the car and I opened the envelope. I wanted to show my wife what it meant to us financially. Instead of a nice big check as I expected, I found a gift certificate for $500 for local restaurants. After sixteen months of putting my wife and three year old son on the altar, I held a piece of paper that took just seconds to fill me with rage.

The next day we presented the software application to the executives and they loved it. Little did they know that the entire presentation was nothing more than a sham. The project was not complete and it we had no idea when we would actually be finished. We had been told to lie to management.

The $500, the engraved rock, and lying to my superiors broke my delusional state. For the first time, I realized I had failed. We all had failed. The expectations of the project were unrealistic. I had more than a “reduced sense” of effectiveness. I didn’t feel like I had been effective at all.

I was burned out.

I worked for that company for seven more years, but never had the passion I was once had for my work there. I learned a hard lesson about life - work balance. For that, I am grateful. Now I have learned something new about that experience. My burnout was not caused by all the hours and personal sacrifice as I have believed for so many years. It was a result of feeling like I had not accomplished anything and that, in the end, it all became meaningless.